She is in my trunk
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
