they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
