This is not my ceiling
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
how drunk are you?
Several
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
