in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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