I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
