We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
