i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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