Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
