My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
