The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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