mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
