did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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