atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
