You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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