My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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