Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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