This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
