somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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