I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
