you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
