he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
