her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
