remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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