Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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