I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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