booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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