I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
