$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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