I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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