This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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