Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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