New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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