i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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