This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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