What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
