have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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