I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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