He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
