All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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