that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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