I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
