Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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