so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
