She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
