im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
