i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
