Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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