I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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