I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
