my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
