I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
