my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize