I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize