I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
