Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
