The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
