Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.

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(619): View more from California

3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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(343): View more from Ontario

STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Pride rock will get you every time.

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