Your dad touched me again.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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