I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
this just has baby written all over it
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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